Archive for January, 2010

Here I am, sitting on saturdays and sundays dealing with the CAT mess. No I am not talking about meows or scratches, but the “famous”, “tough” nut to crack. I mean “dude…”, you are to spend your weekends for friends and family! And here i am, dealing lack of concentration. Well the reason!!! Someone was not allowed to go to the toilet and they urinated in between the exam! God!! I am not blaming the students…I “feel” for them!! What I am blaming is the system. I am blaming the time as I am sitting here when most of my friends are either sitting on “Gtalk” or “Facebook” scrapping their ass off and asking “Dhongi Baba” for their crappy future. I wouldn’t comment on the grievience system or anything…That would be too personal or perhaps might end up getting me in trouble.

Anywho, this post is not intended to be humorous. I gave the exam 3 years back and I know how critical it is for every individual (well there might be some exceptions as well). Anyway, what the hell! Let me add some fun to this as well.

Let us rephrase the meaning of CAT

CAT – Common Aids Test – An exam for all those who are suffering from symptoms such as lack of appetite, lethargy, tiredness and were not able to give their exams due to this reason.

CAT – Common Application for Termination – For all those who studied the hell out and got screwed this year.

CAT – Care and T-Bag – Well, T-Bag means to rub your balls on someone’s face. Maybe for those who never deserved a re-exam and got it (unfortunately!)

CAT – Common Aptitude Tae Twa – “Tae Taw” means “Shut up” in french…For those who are expecting anything good out of the exam system, just Tae Taw.

CAT – Crap ass Taint – Taint here refers to “Part between your ass and your balls”

CAT – Cajunkajunk assesment test – Cajunkajunk refers to a man’s fun parts…Fill in the rest as i don’t see a need to explain things here!

CAT – Calapidgion ass test – Calapidgion means having shapely buttocks. Screw the exam and be proud of your calapidgion while looking in the mirror.

I will stop making more now. As i am really bored and I don’t even know what the hell am i writing, I will leave you at peace now.

Again,

ps – This post was initially intended to be serious however, ended up being funny. This has no resemblence to anyone whatsoever and I have no responsibilities if it relates or concerns anyone anyway. If anyone has any issues with this, just drop in a comment and i will get back to you soon!

Advertisements

Recently, I came across a funny thought. What if Al Qaeda were to post jobs on the Internet for various vacancies.

Al Qaeda, the world’s finest terrorist organization leading in terrorism is looking forward to expand globally. Al Qaeda has a large portfolio of services such as kidnapping, murder, rape, bomb blasts, extortions, human bomb suicides, mass destruction and spreading terror.

We are looking for young, dynamic and aggressive individuals with the right blend of experience, qualification and talent for various positions. If you think you qualify for one of these posts, please send us an email at idontknowwhyiamreadingthis@wtf.com with the job code and position in the subject line. Also mention your current and expected CTC.

Job Code – ALQ01

Job Title – CEO (Chief Elimination Officer)

Job Description – As the CEO, you will be responsible to foresee the daily operation of Al Qaeda. Long story short, you will be responsible for directing execution of hostages, eliminating any hostility towards Al Qaeda’s methodology. The candidate needs to have a minimum experience of 20 years in a similar role with terror groups. The candidate will be a figurehead of our organization and would directly report to the Big O.

Job Code – ALQ02

Job Title – CFO (Chief Fraud Officer)

Job Description – As the CFO, you will be responsible for bringing in funds to our organization by the virtue of frauds from big multinational companies. Your primary responsibility will include extortion and infiltration from companies with minimum revenue of $ 1 billion. You will create fake accounts to transfer money to Al Qaeda and use only “Illegal” means to do the transaction.

Job Code – ALQ03

Job Title – CTO (Chief Terrorism Officer)

Job Description – As the CTO, the incumbent would be responsible for the execution of key terrorism activities of our organization. The individual would promote and give interviews to spread the word of terrorism globally. Other activities include but are not limited to new weapon launches, strategic alliances, Merger and Acquisitions with key terrorist groups.

Job Code – ALQ04

Job Title – CIO (Chief Inspirational Officer)

Job Description – The CIO would be responsible for inspiring new candidates to shed their fear and join our organization. Besides brainwashing, you will be responsible for motivating them to move ahead and make a bright career in terrorism.

Job Code – ALQ05

Job Title – CLO (Chief Ladaku Officer)

Job Description – As a CLO, you will be responsible for engaging the new candidates in fights with the government of both developed and developing nations. You will be responsible to take charge, strategize the organization’s plans for conquest, and conquer.

You will be notified about the interview venue, date and time shortly after we receive your resume. Please send us your latest photograph with at least two weapons in hand for consideration. For more information log in to our website – www.istilldonotknowwhythehelliamreadingthis.com

Ps – If this is offensive to anyone, please let me know and I will delete this.

Pss – If this post needs to be deleted please let me know

Psss – I know that I suck at dry humor and political jokes, literally!

pssss – Image courtesy Jeff Dunham, Achmed the dead terrorist.

Confessions of a gourmet

Posted: January 19, 2010 in Food
Tags: , , ,

First off, I must say that this post is completly inspired when I felt nostalgic yesterday while watching Julie and Julia. I am not reviewing the movie or talking about recipes. What I am about to share, are my views as a cook! Many of you (if any of you is reading that is) would think, “Vipul – A Cook???? What the f#%k“….But dude!! I am good! and it only get’s better.

I am no “kake de dhabe da chef” but whatever i make is delightful (atleast for me) or maybe not so delightful for those who eat it 😉 period!

The first thing I am still amazed at is that why the hell did i do Hotel Management?? I mean, ya fine it was easy, with no text books but why? Kitchen was not my forte’ though i never hated it! Housekeeping is not my cup of tea as I am least interested in cleaning shitpots! Food and Beverage ahhhhh! It’s a nightmare for me. I have always chickened out whenever there was a F&B class. I just hate it, being a waiter. Oh ya, front office, probably its something that i like. But my knowledge of general awareness itself questions at times, “WHY IS THIS GUY ACTUALLY MOLESTING THE HELL OUT OF ME!”

Anyhow, as I am about to make my confessions, I will go straight ahead and vomit them out.

Confession 1: It was my first day in an actual kitchen and boy i suck! While the good ones always found it fun to do mese en place (a fancy term for cutting vegetable, meat etc.), it used to be a horrible experience for me! Not only was i unaware of cutting vegetables in different shapes and sizes (julienne, cubes blah blah, just cut the damn thing),  I used to wonder why the hell do you cut them in shapes. Once eaten, nothing comes out from your body in shapes…It’s all round at times maybe bit of variations. (No offense there).

Confession 2:Bakery class, wow what a sigh of relief. Finally, I am going to cook dessert and eat them to my delight. I never realized the tireless labor required to simply whisk an egg, add flour and whisk it again…Guy’s used to do it as if they were whisking machines…Mine used to be sluggish as always. Yes, I never created the best of the baked items but it was good for me! Bon Appetit!! I realized one thing that day, “I am good for eating but not baking

Confession 3: Indian cookery, damn! It has to be good, less tiresome and finally i will eat real food and not grass! I fail to understand what is with me and every first day of a new lesson! I suck, literally. The task assigned to me was to make aubergine (Baigan ka bharta)! I was given the instructions loud and clear but at times you have to be specific (in my case) else, I will screw it up, literally! I was told to dip the aubergine in oil and keep it for heating. I dipped the aubergine as per the instructions and kept it on the burner. Time flew like a kite (It was sluggish damn it!) an hour passed, two hours passed…4 hours passed and my cute little aubergine was lying on the stove, untouched and unblemished! It “Perfection” at its best or was it? I was wondering why the F* it didn’t rot to hell!!! The whole kitchen was filled with clouds of smoke coming from my cutie pie, my aubergine! It was as if the kitchen was set on fire!! I ran away from college back to home (who wouldn’t be scared)! I asked mom though didn’t tell her the incidence! (Otherwise, it would have been the same rant…Why did you do HM!) She said that you are not supposed to dip the whole thing…you have to apply just a little amount of oil so that it cooks instantly! Now, 4 hours was really an instant moment for me. I had a close escape from setting my college on fire!

Confession 4: Not much of a confession though…It’s called stealing (maybe!)…During New years, i had to spend 14 hours at Hotel as it was my (so called) internship. I was serving the drunken guests who had no idea if they were eating bamboo leaves for quiche! I was told to go to bakery to take the dessert…Hungry as always, I went to the cold storage, swooped 1 kg black forest and ate it all! I always imagined the look on the chef’s face but never had the courage to face him again 😉

Confession 5: Recently, I made kadhai Paneer. Though everything went perfect according to plan, I added too much of cloves! It should’ve been grey in texture however, it was black (my favorite color)! The street dogs didn’t touch it so I ate it and spent the next day in the toilet!

Confession 6: There is no confession 6. I have not cooked much since the last disaster! Last time, I cooked lady finger and it was good (for a change).

Note – Just because this was my funny (ya ya bitter) part of experience with cooking doesn’t mean that I am not a good cook! With time, I have mastered the art of “How not to do disasters in kitchen“. I can cook better than most of you and know dishes that you might’ve not heard of!

ps- As I said, I am good at cooking, as you all must’ve noticed reading this post (;-))! Well, I am just thinking of inviting you all to the grand dinner called dîner grand (Again a fancy french name). So who are all game to attend it (With great invitations comes great responsibilities)

pss – Now I am thinking of writing a book called “Cookery for beginners, feed it to the dogs – Vol I

From the time i opened my eyes on the face of this planet, I expected (maybe too far-fetched) to smell the fresh air, birds chirping, greenery and fun! Anyway, that’s not the point. I have been wondering hard about the logic behind bollywood movies since 22 years. Till date, I must say it remains a mystery. If Sherlock Holmes would’ve been alive, solving this mystery would be his toughest case to crack.

I don’t understand why in the blue hell do they make bollywood movies!! I can very well relate our movies to Russell Peters stand-up joke where he mentioned how, Indian movies are Awfully Long. It’s based on a Protagonist and his beloved who run in a farm, singing songs, playing hide and seek around trees and in the end the protagonist dies! Before he is dead though (takes about 2 hrs), he will squeeze in a song or two, travel around the globe and finally choke to death (Damn it! I could’ve had killed him in mere seconds)!

To talk about VEER, it is certainly something QUEER! Why do filmmakers in India make terrible rip-offs of hollywood movies? How in the blue hell can you compare TROY with Veer?? Mr Nude (Salman Khan) has made the script and I can very well relate how AWESOME it is going to be! I mean, I will be in Awe (if i watch it that is) literally!

Mr Nude here thinks that by showing his 6 packs and fluffy muscles, he can match Brad Pitt!! Gimme a break! You can be the next Brad Shit but not Brad Pitt dude!

To add to the fun, he wrote this script 20 years ago! Dude 20 years back, you were a cry baby, crying for Ash, gals and what not!! How did you get time to write a script?? And come on, Ladies and Gentleman it’s Mr Nude, our famous over actor! I am certain that he was born in Africa? Gobi Desert?, finding it difficult to get accustomed to the weather here! That’s why he has to take off his clothes every now and then!

Veer will be a disaster, its fate, it’s Maktub (You would know that word if you have read “The Alchemist”)..

Only 2% of Indian movies are worth watching! Rest are stupidity merged with stupid songs!!

Please for hell’s sake, if you want to even compare to Hollywood, give us all a break and make some good movies! Atleast, learn how to act for starters!

Orkut??? This was the website on everyone’s lips, some years back. People used to wake up all night long to increase the number of their scraps, add friends, add photos and what not!! School kids used to throw tantrums just to get access, hunting through google for proxies, just to view their “Crapbook” – An elixer of life for them!!

I have lost the count for the number of times, I made and deleted an account!! Finally, I settled without any “Chirkut Account” – Score Zero!! Bring it on baby!!

I’d rather start referring it as “Dorkut” through the course of this post!! Everytime, I log-on to Dorkut, i feel as if i am on a ghost ship!! Evil spirits are on the prowl to bore you until you die!!

If you remember the extinct specie “HI5”, it’s imperative to say, Hi5 is like kindergarten, you grow up to reach Dorkut, your high school. Later, you graduate from  high school you move to college that is in facebook.

Oh, before i forget, a kid name “Twitter” also took admission in the same school however, never managed to get high grades!!

The irony for Dorkut is, most of you all of you would’ve had got this once daily, “aur bhai kaisa hai,yaar 1 ya 2 scrp hume bhi kr diya kr………..”…Obviously, I will exclude gals from the terminology “Bhai”…Come on, use your brains and replace it with whatever is applicable for you!

But FFS, if i get another “Farmville” invite on FB, without a shadow of doubt, I will switch to the traditional E-mail communication and take “Sanyaas” from the whole social networking bullshit!!

ps:- No offense to orkut lovers!! It’s based on my perceptions and beliefs! Any resemblance to copyrights, logos, real persons, living or dead, is coincidental. I am not blaming Google!! It’s just orkut! Literally!! Do not blame me, throw stones, torture me, crucify, strangle or plan to do anything nasty with me (Don’t get your hopes high!). Any such attempt will be registered in Indian Penal Court xxx and I will curse you to become a bloated, fat, humpty-dumpty alike clone!