First off, I must say that this post is completly inspired when I felt nostalgic yesterday while watching Julie and Julia. I am not reviewing the movie or talking about recipes. What I am about to share, are my views as a cook! Many of you (if any of you is reading that is) would think, “Vipul – A Cook???? What the f#%k“….But dude!! I am good! and it only get’s better.
I am no “kake de dhabe da chef” but whatever i make is delightful (atleast for me) or maybe not so delightful for those who eat it 😉 period!
The first thing I am still amazed at is that why the hell did i do Hotel Management?? I mean, ya fine it was easy, with no text books but why? Kitchen was not my forte’ though i never hated it! Housekeeping is not my cup of tea as I am least interested in cleaning shitpots! Food and Beverage ahhhhh! It’s a nightmare for me. I have always chickened out whenever there was a F&B class. I just hate it, being a waiter. Oh ya, front office, probably its something that i like. But my knowledge of general awareness itself questions at times, “WHY IS THIS GUY ACTUALLY MOLESTING THE HELL OUT OF ME!”
Anyhow, as I am about to make my confessions, I will go straight ahead and vomit them out.
Confession 1: It was my first day in an actual kitchen and boy i suck! While the good ones always found it fun to do “mese en place“ (a fancy term for cutting vegetable, meat etc.), it used to be a horrible experience for me! Not only was i unaware of cutting vegetables in different shapes and sizes (julienne, cubes blah blah, just cut the damn thing), I used to wonder why the hell do you cut them in shapes. Once eaten, nothing comes out from your body in shapes…It’s all round at times maybe bit of variations. (No offense there).
Confession 2:Bakery class, wow what a sigh of relief. Finally, I am going to cook dessert and eat them to my delight. I never realized the tireless labor required to simply whisk an egg, add flour and whisk it again…Guy’s used to do it as if they were whisking machines…Mine used to be sluggish as always. Yes, I never created the best of the baked items but it was good for me! Bon Appetit!! I realized one thing that day, “I am good for eating but not baking“
Confession 3: Indian cookery, damn! It has to be good, less tiresome and finally i will eat real food and not grass! I fail to understand what is with me and every first day of a new lesson! I suck, literally. The task assigned to me was to make aubergine (Baigan ka bharta)! I was given the instructions loud and clear but at times you have to be specific (in my case) else, I will screw it up, literally! I was told to dip the aubergine in oil and keep it for heating. I dipped the aubergine as per the instructions and kept it on the burner. Time flew like a kite (It was sluggish damn it!) an hour passed, two hours passed…4 hours passed and my cute little aubergine was lying on the stove, untouched and unblemished! It “Perfection” at its best or was it? I was wondering why the F* it didn’t rot to hell!!! The whole kitchen was filled with clouds of smoke coming from my cutie pie, my aubergine! It was as if the kitchen was set on fire!! I ran away from college back to home (who wouldn’t be scared)! I asked mom though didn’t tell her the incidence! (Otherwise, it would have been the same rant…Why did you do HM!) She said that you are not supposed to dip the whole thing…you have to apply just a little amount of oil so that it cooks instantly! Now, 4 hours was really an instant moment for me. I had a close escape from setting my college on fire!
Confession 4: Not much of a confession though…It’s called stealing (maybe!)…During New years, i had to spend 14 hours at Hotel as it was my (so called) internship. I was serving the drunken guests who had no idea if they were eating bamboo leaves for quiche! I was told to go to bakery to take the dessert…Hungry as always, I went to the cold storage, swooped 1 kg black forest and ate it all! I always imagined the look on the chef’s face but never had the courage to face him again 😉
Confession 5: Recently, I made kadhai Paneer. Though everything went perfect according to plan, I added too much of cloves! It should’ve been grey in texture however, it was black (my favorite color)! The street dogs didn’t touch it so I ate it and spent the next day in the toilet!
Confession 6: There is no confession 6. I have not cooked much since the last disaster! Last time, I cooked lady finger and it was good (for a change).
Note – Just because this was my funny (ya ya bitter) part of experience with cooking doesn’t mean that I am not a good cook! With time, I have mastered the art of “How not to do disasters in kitchen“. I can cook better than most of you and know dishes that you might’ve not heard of!
ps- As I said, I am good at cooking, as you all must’ve noticed reading this post (;-))! Well, I am just thinking of inviting you all to the grand dinner called dîner grand (Again a fancy french name). So who are all game to attend it (With great invitations comes great responsibilities)
pss – Now I am thinking of writing a book called “Cookery for beginners, feed it to the dogs – Vol I“