Archive for the ‘Random’ Category

Even in the deepest slumber, I used to wake up with a mere scent of wet mud. Whenever that nostalgic scent entered my nostrils, adrenaline rushed through my body and sleep played a secondary role. That first trickle rolling down my cheek was always mesmerizing. So was going out and getting drenched in the beautiful rain not because, “I love rains because no one can see my crying (That’s lame!!!) but I love loved it unconditionally.”

However, it I do not regret when I say that my 23-years of relationship with Rains has come to a conclusion now. I finally broke up!! This year, the same nostalgic feeling rushed in early; however, it died as soon as I realized it existed…Did it rain acid or frogs? What was the reason? Why did this happen? I would strangle anyone who would ask such nonsensical questions.

Today, two things are totally unexpected. No, I am not talking about “Nature’s call.” The unexpected nature lies in the felony of god pissing from the sky and news reports pissing on us with news on CWG. It is so unexpected that both of these can catch irrespective of the fact that you’ll never let your guard down.

India will have to name new rivers now as the deepest yet the longest river is not Brahmaputra. For everyone else, the longest isn’t the Nile. Correct me if i am wrong, the longest and the deepest river is known as “FFNDSD” or Floods from North Delhi to South Delhi. If I (unknowingly) switch to IBN, they have nothing better than talk about the danger level of Yamuna. If it reaches blah cms, this area would be submerged; if it increases by 1 cm more, it will submerge another; if it increases by another cm, it will submerge you with water rising up your asses and reaching your throat until you choke and die!! Ah…this so defies the law of gravity.

I am certain that the condition of the Tsunami affected areas are much better than what is happening here. The funny part is that soon athletes and people from abroad would be welcomed by swarm of mosquitoes biting them until their very genes degenerate and carry the DENGUE gene, which will pass on for generations!! If Hiroshima and Nagasaki was horrendous, you haven’t seen the real horror until you land up in Delhi!

Now for the worst part…what was expected to be a final goodbye to rain-sweet-rain by the end of August doesn’t seem to hold true. The stubborn clouds are so adamant that they will not leave your head and continue to harass you by increasing the intensity of piss with every passing second. This is garnished by the beautiful roads filled with welcoming potholes…Some of these have increased to an extent where you’ll disappear in one and reappear from another (Most probably, if you disappear in a pothole located in South Delhi, you are likely to appear in the North!! There is absolutely no need for metro’s, buses, or any transit system)

I think I will be doing justice by ending my relationship with the Rains. No, its not a divorce because we are not married! I never intended to marry them primarily because the situation would be really unbearable. In the context of a marriage, think about having an year without sex (no rains) and another year with sex 24×7 (Heavy rains…Mesmerizing in the beginning but tiring as the time passes)

Believe me, people might choke on their own words…So here is an image representing every Delhiite’s plead to stop this insanity!!

With that said, RAINS here is my verdict to you…I still have a soft corner for you considering the fact that I never get a nice 7 hours sleep during the weekdays. Thanks to you, I can sleep for 2 hours minimum while I am stuck in traffic. That’s the only thing that I am thankful about yet I might throw up if I have to say “Thank You” for that!! You might still have a chance to make it up to me if you stop excessive pissing and resort to a natural human cycle!!

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I wanted to write this since a long time and today seems to be a lucky day. Lucky, not because I am putting the pieces together and writing this; but, I am feeling good to have a view point! For me, the monocle is my “Mirror of perception”. It is my tool through which, I look at the world. I cannot write everything here because there is a lot I have seen and still a lot to be seen. However, there are a set of random things that I observe daily –

The Yawning Saga –  I wake up and find myself unable to comprehend the fact that I have to get ready for office. I take 15 minutes to think “What to think”! That is an everyday saga

Bus-Karo – I find familiar faces in the bus, mostly college goers, who have fun, laugh and remind me of my college days!

Masala News-paper – I open the newspaper and read mostly about how commonwealth is commonly screwed and there is no common solution on how to commonly make it a success! In short, the common people are always screwed by the government!

Blue – Once upon a time, this land parched for water. That was one year ago and God finally listened to the hue and cry of people. And he said, “Let there be water”. And water it was! The irony being that it is everywhere!! This reminds me of the quote, “Water water everywhere nor a drop to drink.” Stepping out from the bus reminds me of how much I’ll struggle for just moving my butt from one corner to the other. At times, I am forced to think that I should buy a boat!

Work, where art thou? – Ah! The corporate life…Well, this isn’t like what I expected it to be. I expected smart work and here it is simply smarter. I expected heaps of work but here I have to dive in the heap to find something that suits my responsibility areas. Touche’. The only good thing is that there are things you learn 😉 And I am glad!!

The horse of steel – Yeah, enough about the bird of steel (Superman!!) Let’s throw some steel on the horse of steel – our dearest Metro!! It’s the only place that is yet to be blessed with  spit-stains! Yes, there is security. But really, who are they checking?? The guards are always on a prowl to watch their watches for the needle to strike 11 pm! And woosh, they are gone!! Metro stations, especially Rajiv Chowk looks more like the only flower left on this planet to suck on for a swarm of bees! People are so patient that they’ll push you around, grab you by collars, push you behind, kick you (Ok, this is exaggerated). But if you are looking for fun, Rajiv Chowk is not the place to be! Whenever the station is blessed cursed with less people, it seems as if  there is a bomb scare! The metro frequency is at a gap of every 2-5 minutes! Still, people are in such a mad rush to catch & ride the train as if they have no one to ride (married guys!!) at home! For some, it’s a do or die situation! They feel as if it’s an achievement to catch a train and they are glad they did it after a huge struggle! These are the people you can see clearly with their nose squeezed against the train’s tinted window glasses! It’s imperative that they struggled a lot just to squeeze in!! These are the morons who have threesome on a single bed and are used to squeeze in small spaces!

People’s Favorite – In a democratic country, you have the freedom of speech. Indeed, it is true. That is what blogs are made for. But, when it comes to literally speak your heart in front of people, you have to think twice. Not because, you may say something silly. But, people often criticize your  habit of keeping your heart clear and speaking what you think. Maybe they think as I do, maybe they don’t. But they are so diplomatic that they’ll say “That’s right” in front and bitch behind your back! Ah well, at times i do think, “Maybe, it’s something that is wrong from my end.” But then I am given sufficient reasons to agree that people just bitch because they have to! There is absolutely no correlation between sensible thinking and bitching. And there are some nice one too…Yes, I said “SOME“. Ah, save me from the cesspool!

The Television – The idiot box is getting irritating day by day! If a single Ekta Kapoor’s serial was irritating for you, we have a whole channel dedicated to her! Yes, talk about Star Plus! The reality shows “timber me shivers“. From FTV MTV to ZeeTV, it’s nothing but dry humor and stupid entertainment. If Pratigya dies, her husband is resurrected, and if Nakusha uses fair and lovely to maintain her glow, why the hell are you concerned? It’s not real…You can’t even relate to it.

All said and then, it is nice to have my personal monocle to observe things! Right or Wrong, I don’t know. I am just glad I have my views! Do you have your monocle?

I am no cricket buff. And, I am definitely not an IPL fan. However, i do watch cricket when there is nothing better to watch, or to go with the flow. I mean, I don’t want to stand in a corner like a fool and give a blank stare when someone asks me, “Dude, what’s the score?”.

I still remember the opening of the IPL where Lalit promised, “This year, the IPL will be even bigger than the last two.” Not sure if this year’s IPL was bigger for the public but it was huge for Modi. Everything Modi touches turns into gold but not for too long!

Modi started a 10-year joint venture with Walt Disney Pictures in 1993, called Modi Entertainment Networks (MEN), to broadcast some of Disney’s content in India including Fashion TV. First off, the the name “MEN” is quite stupid. Secondly, his beloved FTV has faced severe controversies and banned from Indian Television network (Whatever was the reason!)

In 1994, he became the pan-India distributor of ESPN on a 5-year contract. His job was to collect money from the cable wallas in India in exchange for them broadcasting ESPN. However, ESPN was having “money issues” and took Modi to court. The fact is true that whatever Modi touches turns to shit! And he gets in trouble for it.

Earlier, Modi was arrested on charges of conspiracy to traffic cocaine and assault with a deadly weapon with intent to kill. He and another student were indicted on second-degree kidnapping, a misdemeanor charge of assault inflicting serious injury and conspiracy to kidnap.

An article in Tehelka magazine alleges that Modi was involved in a court case for cocaine abuse as recently as 2006 in the UAE.

On Sunday, after Chennai blew Mumbai in the finals, Modi said that the IPL season has been “Clean and Transparent”. Well it was if what he wants to convey is that the players took care of their hygiene and I can some how relate transparency with the cheerleaders. The matches were in no way clean and transparent in a literal sense! Shame on you Modi for being a despicable liar.

He also said that “It has not been an easy journey”. Of course it has not been easy for him. And it was never easy on him!! It took me by surprise that Modi was the one to award Dhoni with “Fly Kingfisher – Fair Play award”. The word “Fair” does not fall in Modi’s dictionary.

If things might sound to be too fascinating the reality might be otherwise. Same is the case with Twitter. I am not sure what happen to Modi’s sanity when he tweeted the names of the stakeholder! Is he not aware of the fact that the media is on prowl making issues of simple tweets. Although, his tweet was not simple yet a trade secret.

He will be defending his innocence (if any) now. It will be fun to see the creator of IPL buying tickets to watch matches from now on:P For once, I thought that Rakhi Sawant was the Queen of Controversies. Modi has surpassed all the benchmarks to become the undisputed “King of Controversies”.

I am still thinking of the statement he will give for his defense, “This is not really my exit. It’s just a strategic time-out to confuse Shashi Tharoor.”

Lucky for him that he got to enjoy the IPL nights!!

ps – I am glad that chennai won 😉

pss – News and information courtesy wikipedia

While I was sipping my coffee yesterday, I read about Chile quake and was quite shocked by the likes of it. 8.8 on Richter’s is a big disaster. With 200+ deaths, the quake has been worse than Haiti. The worse part was the Tsunami alerts throughout various regions. Well it isn’t that I live in Chile or the regions on evacuation alert but yes, i feel for them. More so, I logged on to my Twitter account to see updates about the condition. Yes, there were several thousand tweets and even the Twitter API failed handling so many.

I got to see live coverages about Tsunami in Hawaii and watched the water receding as well. More so, I am glad that the condition is fine everywhere. The sad part about the whole situation is that people are finding fun in it.

Here are a few tweets by people –

Love tsunami-watching reporters. Tell us even more stories about hundreds killed in tsunamis past & other horrors while waiting. #tsunmai

Sounds like this #tsunami is a dud

What a #fail. I did not watch people die in #tsunami

I mean WTF! Instead of thanking that their sorry asses has been saved, these people are actually finding time to tweet nonsense. I did answer a few of them but i cannot go on tweeting every microsecond.

Even worse, the media in most of these places were disappointed. Reporters seem so bummed by the calm, orderly system when they should be commending it!

I seriously despise people who for once cannot thank for saving their asses, let alone sympathizing and feeling for losses.

If this is what you call “Freedom of Speech”, then its better to enslave these people who make fun of such a right.

Anyway, what is there is there. Things can be changed but these people will remain adamant. If only, people start getting arrested for such tweets!!

Ps – Happy holi to all you ppl! Enjoi and play safe!

Ways – to get fired!

Posted: February 9, 2010 in Random
Tags: , ,

Its been a long time since I wrote. As far as I can recall, i was sitting, attending calls and listening CAT aspirants yap and cry. Anyway, it’s been a long time and I actually spent the ounces of my creativity in writing poems. However, it would not be justice done to wordpress if i deprive it of any posts. I understand and feel for it if it will be left like a desert looking forth to quench it thirst with posts. Anywho, I seriously don’t have much going in mind so I will write something funny (at least by my standards).

This morning, I was thinking about some ways in which you can “Get Hired Fired”. So, coming straight to business, here are some –

Requisites – Always keep your boss under loop and update him about every stupid steps you take.

Ingredients – You, your boss and your satanic mind.

#1 – Auction – I am sure you must have heard about eBay. Let’s start a portal known as o-bay! If you are short on cash or your company sucks your blood but pays you peanuts, this idea would be splendid for you. Buy a domain and name it as o-bay. Put an auction for every accessory, furniture, computer, fan, tube light, table, chairs, anything you can see under the proximity of 1 cm. Refrain from auctioning humans as you will end up getting into trouble. Sell everything you can and wait for your boss to jump and shriek his lungs off “You are fired”.

#2 – Pimp – If your office has female employees (i am sure it would or you wouldn’t have worked in the first place), take a printout with the most notorious picture of you that would ever exist. Write on the following lines “Wanted, Dead or Alive, The world’s biggest pimp. Two things can happen, you can become famous in front of your coworkers or you will be despised. Either ways, you will get fired!

#3 – Blow Job – Not literally! Spread your imagination! I am not talking about “Sex” here! If you have a canteen in your office, bring spoons, metallic items, magnet (have you seen final destination) etc. from your house. Pop in such items in the microwave and wait for the fireworks! Next thing you know, you are fired. (Make sure someone is around you)

#4 – Inter – Com – Make a mechanism where every call made in/from your company would contain an automated message. Requisite – You need to be erotic! Use a seductive tone!! Press 1 forrrrrrrr HR! Press 2 Forrrrrrrr Marketing! Press 3 Forrrrrrrr Sales! Press name of the boss>’s <any body part, i wouldn’t comment much here> Forrrrrrr business purposes! Fired, Fired, Fired!

#5 – The Horny Effect – Mix a bottle of Viagra in the coffee machine! Wait and watch!

#6 – Drug – Drug your boss with ecstasy.

#7 – E-mail signature – Include the following text as your email signature “I will eat your guts

#8 – The Smelly – Fart in your boss’s phone set! He will feel the wrath every time he talks! It wouldn’t work if he is suffering from cold, but anyway would be nice if told to everyone in the office!

#9 – Sticky – Make it yucky and sticky! Place a strong adhesive on your boss’s chair! Either he will sit there for the day out of embarrassment or he will roam with his undies ripped off!

#10 – Name Game – Give a disgusting pet-name to your boss…”Assface, Fartbreath, Shitlicker etc.” would be nice! Don’t be decent though.

Well, the above are nothing that I will try but if any of you ever tries one, please pat yourself and give yourself the complete credit.

Adios for now!

Here I am, sitting on saturdays and sundays dealing with the CAT mess. No I am not talking about meows or scratches, but the “famous”, “tough” nut to crack. I mean “dude…”, you are to spend your weekends for friends and family! And here i am, dealing lack of concentration. Well the reason!!! Someone was not allowed to go to the toilet and they urinated in between the exam! God!! I am not blaming the students…I “feel” for them!! What I am blaming is the system. I am blaming the time as I am sitting here when most of my friends are either sitting on “Gtalk” or “Facebook” scrapping their ass off and asking “Dhongi Baba” for their crappy future. I wouldn’t comment on the grievience system or anything…That would be too personal or perhaps might end up getting me in trouble.

Anywho, this post is not intended to be humorous. I gave the exam 3 years back and I know how critical it is for every individual (well there might be some exceptions as well). Anyway, what the hell! Let me add some fun to this as well.

Let us rephrase the meaning of CAT

CAT – Common Aids Test – An exam for all those who are suffering from symptoms such as lack of appetite, lethargy, tiredness and were not able to give their exams due to this reason.

CAT – Common Application for Termination – For all those who studied the hell out and got screwed this year.

CAT – Care and T-Bag – Well, T-Bag means to rub your balls on someone’s face. Maybe for those who never deserved a re-exam and got it (unfortunately!)

CAT – Common Aptitude Tae Twa – “Tae Taw” means “Shut up” in french…For those who are expecting anything good out of the exam system, just Tae Taw.

CAT – Crap ass Taint – Taint here refers to “Part between your ass and your balls”

CAT – Cajunkajunk assesment test – Cajunkajunk refers to a man’s fun parts…Fill in the rest as i don’t see a need to explain things here!

CAT – Calapidgion ass test – Calapidgion means having shapely buttocks. Screw the exam and be proud of your calapidgion while looking in the mirror.

I will stop making more now. As i am really bored and I don’t even know what the hell am i writing, I will leave you at peace now.

Again,

ps – This post was initially intended to be serious however, ended up being funny. This has no resemblence to anyone whatsoever and I have no responsibilities if it relates or concerns anyone anyway. If anyone has any issues with this, just drop in a comment and i will get back to you soon!

Recently, I came across a funny thought. What if Al Qaeda were to post jobs on the Internet for various vacancies.

Al Qaeda, the world’s finest terrorist organization leading in terrorism is looking forward to expand globally. Al Qaeda has a large portfolio of services such as kidnapping, murder, rape, bomb blasts, extortions, human bomb suicides, mass destruction and spreading terror.

We are looking for young, dynamic and aggressive individuals with the right blend of experience, qualification and talent for various positions. If you think you qualify for one of these posts, please send us an email at idontknowwhyiamreadingthis@wtf.com with the job code and position in the subject line. Also mention your current and expected CTC.

Job Code – ALQ01

Job Title – CEO (Chief Elimination Officer)

Job Description – As the CEO, you will be responsible to foresee the daily operation of Al Qaeda. Long story short, you will be responsible for directing execution of hostages, eliminating any hostility towards Al Qaeda’s methodology. The candidate needs to have a minimum experience of 20 years in a similar role with terror groups. The candidate will be a figurehead of our organization and would directly report to the Big O.

Job Code – ALQ02

Job Title – CFO (Chief Fraud Officer)

Job Description – As the CFO, you will be responsible for bringing in funds to our organization by the virtue of frauds from big multinational companies. Your primary responsibility will include extortion and infiltration from companies with minimum revenue of $ 1 billion. You will create fake accounts to transfer money to Al Qaeda and use only “Illegal” means to do the transaction.

Job Code – ALQ03

Job Title – CTO (Chief Terrorism Officer)

Job Description – As the CTO, the incumbent would be responsible for the execution of key terrorism activities of our organization. The individual would promote and give interviews to spread the word of terrorism globally. Other activities include but are not limited to new weapon launches, strategic alliances, Merger and Acquisitions with key terrorist groups.

Job Code – ALQ04

Job Title – CIO (Chief Inspirational Officer)

Job Description – The CIO would be responsible for inspiring new candidates to shed their fear and join our organization. Besides brainwashing, you will be responsible for motivating them to move ahead and make a bright career in terrorism.

Job Code – ALQ05

Job Title – CLO (Chief Ladaku Officer)

Job Description – As a CLO, you will be responsible for engaging the new candidates in fights with the government of both developed and developing nations. You will be responsible to take charge, strategize the organization’s plans for conquest, and conquer.

You will be notified about the interview venue, date and time shortly after we receive your resume. Please send us your latest photograph with at least two weapons in hand for consideration. For more information log in to our website – www.istilldonotknowwhythehelliamreadingthis.com

Ps – If this is offensive to anyone, please let me know and I will delete this.

Pss – If this post needs to be deleted please let me know

Psss – I know that I suck at dry humor and political jokes, literally!

pssss – Image courtesy Jeff Dunham, Achmed the dead terrorist.