Archive for the ‘Television’ Category

Even in the deepest slumber, I used to wake up with a mere scent of wet mud. Whenever that nostalgic scent entered my nostrils, adrenaline rushed through my body and sleep played a secondary role. That first trickle rolling down my cheek was always mesmerizing. So was going out and getting drenched in the beautiful rain not because, “I love rains because no one can see my crying (That’s lame!!!) but I love loved it unconditionally.”

However, it I do not regret when I say that my 23-years of relationship with Rains has come to a conclusion now. I finally broke up!! This year, the same nostalgic feeling rushed in early; however, it died as soon as I realized it existed…Did it rain acid or frogs? What was the reason? Why did this happen? I would strangle anyone who would ask such nonsensical questions.

Today, two things are totally unexpected. No, I am not talking about “Nature’s call.” The unexpected nature lies in the felony of god pissing from the sky and news reports pissing on us with news on CWG. It is so unexpected that both of these can catch irrespective of the fact that you’ll never let your guard down.

India will have to name new rivers now as the deepest yet the longest river is not Brahmaputra. For everyone else, the longest isn’t the Nile. Correct me if i am wrong, the longest and the deepest river is known as “FFNDSD” or Floods from North Delhi to South Delhi. If I (unknowingly) switch to IBN, they have nothing better than talk about the danger level of Yamuna. If it reaches blah cms, this area would be submerged; if it increases by 1 cm more, it will submerge another; if it increases by another cm, it will submerge you with water rising up your asses and reaching your throat until you choke and die!! Ah…this so defies the law of gravity.

I am certain that the condition of the Tsunami affected areas are much better than what is happening here. The funny part is that soon athletes and people from abroad would be welcomed by swarm of mosquitoes biting them until their very genes degenerate and carry the DENGUE gene, which will pass on for generations!! If Hiroshima and Nagasaki was horrendous, you haven’t seen the real horror until you land up in Delhi!

Now for the worst part…what was expected to be a final goodbye to rain-sweet-rain by the end of August doesn’t seem to hold true. The stubborn clouds are so adamant that they will not leave your head and continue to harass you by increasing the intensity of piss with every passing second. This is garnished by the beautiful roads filled with welcoming potholes…Some of these have increased to an extent where you’ll disappear in one and reappear from another (Most probably, if you disappear in a pothole located in South Delhi, you are likely to appear in the North!! There is absolutely no need for metro’s, buses, or any transit system)

I think I will be doing justice by ending my relationship with the Rains. No, its not a divorce because we are not married! I never intended to marry them primarily because the situation would be really unbearable. In the context of a marriage, think about having an year without sex (no rains) and another year with sex 24×7 (Heavy rains…Mesmerizing in the beginning but tiring as the time passes)

Believe me, people might choke on their own words…So here is an image representing every Delhiite’s plead to stop this insanity!!

With that said, RAINS here is my verdict to you…I still have a soft corner for you considering the fact that I never get a nice 7 hours sleep during the weekdays. Thanks to you, I can sleep for 2 hours minimum while I am stuck in traffic. That’s the only thing that I am thankful about yet I might throw up if I have to say “Thank You” for that!! You might still have a chance to make it up to me if you stop excessive pissing and resort to a natural human cycle!!

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I wanted to write this since a long time and today seems to be a lucky day. Lucky, not because I am putting the pieces together and writing this; but, I am feeling good to have a view point! For me, the monocle is my “Mirror of perception”. It is my tool through which, I look at the world. I cannot write everything here because there is a lot I have seen and still a lot to be seen. However, there are a set of random things that I observe daily –

The Yawning Saga –  I wake up and find myself unable to comprehend the fact that I have to get ready for office. I take 15 minutes to think “What to think”! That is an everyday saga

Bus-Karo – I find familiar faces in the bus, mostly college goers, who have fun, laugh and remind me of my college days!

Masala News-paper – I open the newspaper and read mostly about how commonwealth is commonly screwed and there is no common solution on how to commonly make it a success! In short, the common people are always screwed by the government!

Blue – Once upon a time, this land parched for water. That was one year ago and God finally listened to the hue and cry of people. And he said, “Let there be water”. And water it was! The irony being that it is everywhere!! This reminds me of the quote, “Water water everywhere nor a drop to drink.” Stepping out from the bus reminds me of how much I’ll struggle for just moving my butt from one corner to the other. At times, I am forced to think that I should buy a boat!

Work, where art thou? – Ah! The corporate life…Well, this isn’t like what I expected it to be. I expected smart work and here it is simply smarter. I expected heaps of work but here I have to dive in the heap to find something that suits my responsibility areas. Touche’. The only good thing is that there are things you learn 😉 And I am glad!!

The horse of steel – Yeah, enough about the bird of steel (Superman!!) Let’s throw some steel on the horse of steel – our dearest Metro!! It’s the only place that is yet to be blessed with  spit-stains! Yes, there is security. But really, who are they checking?? The guards are always on a prowl to watch their watches for the needle to strike 11 pm! And woosh, they are gone!! Metro stations, especially Rajiv Chowk looks more like the only flower left on this planet to suck on for a swarm of bees! People are so patient that they’ll push you around, grab you by collars, push you behind, kick you (Ok, this is exaggerated). But if you are looking for fun, Rajiv Chowk is not the place to be! Whenever the station is blessed cursed with less people, it seems as if  there is a bomb scare! The metro frequency is at a gap of every 2-5 minutes! Still, people are in such a mad rush to catch & ride the train as if they have no one to ride (married guys!!) at home! For some, it’s a do or die situation! They feel as if it’s an achievement to catch a train and they are glad they did it after a huge struggle! These are the people you can see clearly with their nose squeezed against the train’s tinted window glasses! It’s imperative that they struggled a lot just to squeeze in!! These are the morons who have threesome on a single bed and are used to squeeze in small spaces!

People’s Favorite – In a democratic country, you have the freedom of speech. Indeed, it is true. That is what blogs are made for. But, when it comes to literally speak your heart in front of people, you have to think twice. Not because, you may say something silly. But, people often criticize your  habit of keeping your heart clear and speaking what you think. Maybe they think as I do, maybe they don’t. But they are so diplomatic that they’ll say “That’s right” in front and bitch behind your back! Ah well, at times i do think, “Maybe, it’s something that is wrong from my end.” But then I am given sufficient reasons to agree that people just bitch because they have to! There is absolutely no correlation between sensible thinking and bitching. And there are some nice one too…Yes, I said “SOME“. Ah, save me from the cesspool!

The Television – The idiot box is getting irritating day by day! If a single Ekta Kapoor’s serial was irritating for you, we have a whole channel dedicated to her! Yes, talk about Star Plus! The reality shows “timber me shivers“. From FTV MTV to ZeeTV, it’s nothing but dry humor and stupid entertainment. If Pratigya dies, her husband is resurrected, and if Nakusha uses fair and lovely to maintain her glow, why the hell are you concerned? It’s not real…You can’t even relate to it.

All said and then, it is nice to have my personal monocle to observe things! Right or Wrong, I don’t know. I am just glad I have my views! Do you have your monocle?

I am no cricket buff. And, I am definitely not an IPL fan. However, i do watch cricket when there is nothing better to watch, or to go with the flow. I mean, I don’t want to stand in a corner like a fool and give a blank stare when someone asks me, “Dude, what’s the score?”.

I still remember the opening of the IPL where Lalit promised, “This year, the IPL will be even bigger than the last two.” Not sure if this year’s IPL was bigger for the public but it was huge for Modi. Everything Modi touches turns into gold but not for too long!

Modi started a 10-year joint venture with Walt Disney Pictures in 1993, called Modi Entertainment Networks (MEN), to broadcast some of Disney’s content in India including Fashion TV. First off, the the name “MEN” is quite stupid. Secondly, his beloved FTV has faced severe controversies and banned from Indian Television network (Whatever was the reason!)

In 1994, he became the pan-India distributor of ESPN on a 5-year contract. His job was to collect money from the cable wallas in India in exchange for them broadcasting ESPN. However, ESPN was having “money issues” and took Modi to court. The fact is true that whatever Modi touches turns to shit! And he gets in trouble for it.

Earlier, Modi was arrested on charges of conspiracy to traffic cocaine and assault with a deadly weapon with intent to kill. He and another student were indicted on second-degree kidnapping, a misdemeanor charge of assault inflicting serious injury and conspiracy to kidnap.

An article in Tehelka magazine alleges that Modi was involved in a court case for cocaine abuse as recently as 2006 in the UAE.

On Sunday, after Chennai blew Mumbai in the finals, Modi said that the IPL season has been “Clean and Transparent”. Well it was if what he wants to convey is that the players took care of their hygiene and I can some how relate transparency with the cheerleaders. The matches were in no way clean and transparent in a literal sense! Shame on you Modi for being a despicable liar.

He also said that “It has not been an easy journey”. Of course it has not been easy for him. And it was never easy on him!! It took me by surprise that Modi was the one to award Dhoni with “Fly Kingfisher – Fair Play award”. The word “Fair” does not fall in Modi’s dictionary.

If things might sound to be too fascinating the reality might be otherwise. Same is the case with Twitter. I am not sure what happen to Modi’s sanity when he tweeted the names of the stakeholder! Is he not aware of the fact that the media is on prowl making issues of simple tweets. Although, his tweet was not simple yet a trade secret.

He will be defending his innocence (if any) now. It will be fun to see the creator of IPL buying tickets to watch matches from now on:P For once, I thought that Rakhi Sawant was the Queen of Controversies. Modi has surpassed all the benchmarks to become the undisputed “King of Controversies”.

I am still thinking of the statement he will give for his defense, “This is not really my exit. It’s just a strategic time-out to confuse Shashi Tharoor.”

Lucky for him that he got to enjoy the IPL nights!!

ps – I am glad that chennai won 😉

pss – News and information courtesy wikipedia

Dearest India TV,

There was a time when news channels told us what was happening around. Note that I said there was a time.

I hope this note finds you in the worst of health and spirits! As usual, your crew would be high on alcoholic spirits while broadcasting the news. Ah, actions speak louder than work! But your news speaks without action.

Since the Inception of India TV on May 20, 2004, I have been under tremendous torture with your moronic, boneheaded, and duncical news. Words fail me when I have to describe whatever shit you show on Television. And to you, Mr. Rajat Sharma you should go ahead and drown yourself in Arabian sea. No, you are not worthy of Indian ocean.

What inspired you Mr. Sharma to air such an insanity? It isn’t even insanity but heights of lunacy.

What the fuck do you want to convey with the above news? What human bomb are you talking about when there is a bomb ticking in your asses that provokes you imbeciles to air such bullshit news.

Duh! Someone should surely tie a real bomb across your chest. There should be another in your office! Let the bomb do the talking. I would personally like someone to fit a bomb in the mouths of the reporters on India TV!


Don’t know about the Indian cricket team but at least India TV would never let the people sleep with their baseless, stupid news.

Wow…When you should be covering recession, economic crisis all you do is air fuckall news of a brawl b/w cat and dog! Why do you care if she cannot speak hindi? Who at India TV can speak “Pure” hindi…Bloody, I cannot. Seriously, these reporters are bunch of retards who ran from an asylum and started their own news channel.

Who in the blue hell would watch television after watching the above image? Are you trying to promote some sort of voodoo stuff now? Or are you trying to practice black magic so you can get a better TRP for fuck sake! I mean you guys suck, literally.

How can you do black magic on a camera? I am confident that someone did black magic to your channel. Is that why you show news not even worth crow’s shit? You deserve a real pat on your back. Mother nature will gift you for your contribution if you open your mouth and let the birds shit in your mouth for brainwashing people.

Now India TV really went gay with the above news. First off, you are showing a man naked! The only thing he is covered with are draperies, which I am sure you took off to make another news out of his ass or wiener. Why do you care if a person weights fucking 350 kgs or 50 kgs? Are you jealous of his health? Maybe you should make news out of his weight – “The reason for earth’s mass” or probably “Look at the biggest ass in the world”…You call that news? I call it crap.

Has India TV started a matrimony service? A bride for you eh? Pity the people, as they would have died as bachelors if you‘d not have enlightened them with this news.

Would you condemn those who are not living on rent? Will their eyes pop out of their eye-socket? Will their brain melt? Will you set their ass on fire? Everyone else please close your eyes!

The worse part is that this isn’t you who is broadcasting such news. Your felony has inspired other channels to such a huge extent that they are following you in the league of Fucktardness.


Damn it! It’s just common cold. Amitabh has not been hospitalized…If you have the audacity to air such news, then you can even talk about amitabh’s dog catching cold or maybe Amitabh having constipation, his potty color etc etc.


He ate vegetable! Thank goodness, he is not a cannibal. Why do you care?

What next? Commissioner’s  dog bit him and the commissioner died?

Sharam kar Sharma…Do you know that a majority cases of Migrane, Heart attack, and paralysis is caused after watching India TV? Do you know that 60% of your audience commit suicide? Do you know that you are a gay?? Don’t ask me for the source of these statements. It’s as baseless as your news, there is no proof, and it is not true (Maybe)!

I find it really amusing that people actually watch the channel. They still have this “HOPE” that whatever shown in India TV is right. Please don’t kill this hope. Shut down the channel if you have any humanity left!

And here is my breaking news for you –

ps – A lot of images courtesy stupidindiatv.blogspot.com