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Disclaimer: All characters appearing in this post are real. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely intentional.  

The season of match finding has started and so has my mental agony of changing my role to that of a psychiatrist, analyzing prospective brides with umpteen questions. However, these sessions do come with their own gags, laughter and agony. Agony, yes, because you come across weird people who’d surprise you with their behavior or the questions they ask. Maybe, these days people have weird priorities.

Before I proceed further, I feel it’s much needed to give a brief about my background, something I am already tired giving, although I haven’t even met many people. I am a simple, middle-class boy, a service class professional. I earn good enough to keep me going, I am responsible, mature, good looking (well, who isn’t), and I’ve ambitions and dreams. Am I well-settled? Well, that’s a stupid question in a generation where a majority of people work in private sector and are career conscious. Moreover, I’ve not seen well-settled professionals in the industry even with 15 years of serving the same organization.

People often say, “Why Arrange Marriage?” Well, it’s a matter of choice. Anyway, I’d made up my mind that it’s time that I should at least start looking. First things first, these matrimonial websites will suck the life out of you. Gone are the days when your search was limited to a select few. People these days, and I lay emphasis, educated people, have found a lot of criteria not limited to the usual ones, “Manglik”, Horoscope match, gothra, caste, creed, race but some are rather weird:

“Looking for a well settled boy with a CTC of 10 lacs with at least 8.5 lacs as annual take home

umm…ya right! All the best with that.

Anyway, after days of pruning, screening, rejecting others, getting rejected online with “Expressions of Interest,” I found a girl I deemed should be good to meet. Or so I thought.

Let’s call this girl, “S” for the sake of not offending anyone. (And if you do, well, happy-feeling offended)

So we met in this restaurant along with our parents. Unfortunately, we made them to wait for 15 minutes for which I felt really bad. Did I say Delhi’s traffic sucks!

Anyway, the parents were involved with their usual chitter chatter of probing each other’s background, as if searching for a criminal background – well, I never expected parent’s can be such interrogators.

Since this was my first time meeting a girl in an arranged setup, I was uncomfortable. Nevertheless, I mustered courage not to show this discomfort on my face. and I were made to sit next to each other on an empty table. Honestly, I did my Google search for Questions to be asked for arrange marriage” and found some rather canned, boring questions. Anyway, I thought I’d continue with the boring trend.

Me: Hey, How’s life.

S: Life’s good. All well, how about yours.

Me: Well, ditto.

Me: So, you are working in XXX, as a YYY, right? What does a YYY do?

S: YYY is a ……….!!

Me: What are your hobbies?

S: I am learning to drive a car. Besides this, I like “JAAAAZ” dance. (The sound of Jazz was similar to what Sridevi’s English Vinglish but I ignored it. I was not there to grammar troll someone.) Besides this, I like reading fiction-related books.

Me: Interesting. Who’s your favorite author?

S: Dan Brown.

Me: Hey, I like reading his books too. But I feel his last book was boring. What’s his latest book that you read?

S: Deception Point.

Me: Ok. Do you like watching movies?

S: Yes, but I don’t like those nonsensical  “Dabaang-type” movies. Last I saw Madras Cafe’. (Well, I was clearly interested in keeping this conversation going.)

Me: Me too. I believe Madras Cafe is amazing. It has matter and soul unlike most of the bollywood movies.

Me: What are your career aspirations?

S: I want to continue my role. I like to learn and stay in the same organization for the next few years. Rest, we’ll see.

Me: What do you expect from your life partner?

S: Well, he should be really well-educated (whatever ‘really well’ means), good looking and most importantly a good human being.

This was just a part of the conversation. Our discussion went on till at least 30-40 minutes.

Well, I was clearly interested in trying to understand S better. Of course, it was too early to say NO or YES.

So as a next ‘formal’ step, I told my parents that it’s not a YES or NO but I’d like to know S before taking any decision. So my father called up S’s mother. She mentioned, “It’s up to the kids. First let them decide. This is S’s number.” And boy we were glad hearing that. After all, marriage is not a child’s play. You cannot make a decision in one go.

And that’s when the series of unfortunate events started.

I tried calling her the next day but she didn’t pickup. I thought it was obvious since my number was unknown so I left a SMS. After a few minutes I got a response and I told her that it’s too late and that she can call the next day.

The next day, I was expecting a call and what I got in return was a whatsapp message. Now, I am really uncomfortable with Whatsapp. If you are my friend, it’s ok. But I don’t know you and ditto for you. Neither am I hearing your voice nor I am talking to you…I abhor the idea of Whatsapp unless we really are comfortable know each other.

Anyway, those “conversations” lasted less than a minute or so and mostly were plain boring. And suddenly, I get a message from her a few days later. This is how the conversation went:

S: Hey

Me: Hi

S: If you don’t mind, can I ask you something

Me: Sure. Go ahead.

S: What are your career goals?

S: I mean, are you happy with your job?

Me: Umm…Well, I want to be a consultant down the line. I am happy with my work. But if I get anything better that is more aligned with my professional goals, better salary and better designation, I’ll make a move.

S: So you’re not happy with your current job?

S: As in, I think you should stay in your current organization, get a promotion i.e. get what you deserve first. (RED FLAG #1)

I was amazed due to the following reasons:

1. Who the hell are you to give me suggestions of what you want and what you don’t? You are not a friend. You are no one to me. Not yet so keep your opinions to yourself.

2. Don’t question my intelligence because I know what the hell I want in life.

3. At least, I know what is my “Career Plan.” It’s not stupid as, “I want to stay in my current organization.”

Anywho, I told her that I know what I want in life. And I thought it’s over and my instinct told me, “Stay back!”

I didn’t message her back but when I received her message again, I thought it’ll be rude to ignore her. (Oh, I am a gentleman!)

So I told her that I’d suggest that we should meet again before making any decision. What was appalling was the fact that I saw no attempt from to understand a person better. 1 minute Whatsapp message, seriously? No calls, no SMS…well I am not comfortable with that idea and I hate lack of communication. I strongly feel constant and healthy communication is the key to any relationship.

So after a week of “No-communication” (RED FLAG #2) I get a sms from her saying, “What are your plans? Are we meeting?”

I still thought to go ahead and give her a second chance. So we decided to meet in a mall and we’d set a time. In the morning I got a call from her stating that can we delay it by 30 minutes since she was not sure if anything will be open in the mall. While I knew everything opens by 11, I still said, “Ok fine!”

I reached the venue and I met her. Within a couple of minutes, she started getting calls from her relatives. “RAM RAM Bhaiya,” she said. I was impressed, “Wow, she respects people.” That impression was short-lived. Once her call was over, I got to know that her relatives were coming to the same mall for a movie. Coincidence my foot.

Anyway, I told her that’s ok expecting that her relatives will not disturb us for a long time. Well, we met, talked and then her relatives asked her if she’d like to join for the movie. To my surprise she said yes. They asked me thrice but each time I said No. Well, there was a reason – I’ve not said yes, not yet. I am not related to you and hell I was expecting to understand S better first. What irked me was the fact that S didn’t had the basic courtesy or the maturity to understand why she was there. My immediate reaction was to get the hell out of there. Still, out of respect, I stayed for a few minutes and said goodbye.

In the evening, I still tried to give a third chance (Fool me once, shame on you…Fool me twice, shame on me!). I SMS’d her asking how the movie was. After 6-7 hours, she responded back saying her battery died..the movie was ok, blah blah! I sms’d back saying that we couldn’t spend much time today. Can we meet again?

No response! I didn’t talk to her ever sense neither did I feel like to.

Lesson Learnt: Some people are really stupid. They don’t know where to set there priorities on. If you are not ready/sure/are mature enough, why the hell are you looking for a guy? Most importantly, there is a thing called “Communication.” Well, good riddance and god save the guy who is dragged in her life. No offence

Encounter #2

Well that same day, I met another girl. Let’s call her V.

Well, she looked cute. First of all, she had poor command on English so it was “NO” from the beginning. For formality sake, I had to talk to her for a few minutes. While I’ll not get into the details, I’ll highlight a few funny answers from her end. 

Me: What are your career plans?

V: IBM Lotus note

Me: What are your hobbies?

V: Listening to music, reading.

Me: What do you like to read?

V: Chetan Bhagat.

Me:  What’s your favorite song?

V: FM

Me: Do you like travelling? Where have you last traveled to?

V: Rajouri Garden Mall (It’s a local mall in our place)

Me: What are your expectations from your life partner?

V: Well-settled….baaki jo papa mummy ko theek lage (Rest, whosoever my mom and dad likes)

This conversation didn’t last for 10 minutes. I found it really difficult to control my laughter but I did. (Did I say, I am a Gentleman). I am still smiling, remembering her answers as I write this. I’ve not seen such an innocent person. Not really. Of course, it was a NO from my end yet I felt guilty since they’d have expectations. Anyway, doesn’t matter.

 

The bottomline is that education these days is good yet it has its cons too. People are forgetting their values. They no longer understand what should be prioritized and what marriage is all about.

Alas! Met a cute girl today. Let’s see how things turn out. God bless me 😦

During my early teens, I definitely preferred love marriage to arrange marriage. I also remember a crazy discussion, which became sour post I ripped a colleague who was favoring arrange marriages. But with age and time, I realized love marriage might not just work for me. I’d have to go for the other way but in a way I am glad since it has its own pros. At least you get to weigh your options and priorities. Irrespective, at the end of it, marriage is a gamble – it may work so much so that it is the most awesome thing in your life or it may be a complete catastrophe.

Thanks to the exposure television and media has given, we have created certain stereotypes. Some of them are old yet some still exist. It is actually scary yet funny. Funny because I find the situation awkward. Let me tell you about two real life scenarios:

#Scenario 1

Day Time

Place – Yo China!

Event – A get together with friends.

After a detailed research on the menu, we finally ordered something – and yes too much thanks to the voracious appetite. We were busy with our chatter when we gazed over the next table. Of course, it caught our attention not because of the food they’d ordered but due to the interesting series of event being unfolded.

Setup – The boy, his family, his brother, etc. were sitting on one side of the table. The girl and her parents were sitting on the other side.

Since most of us in the group were unmarried but for one love bird couple (Victimized with love marriage), we found it…umm…interesting. Suddenly, the linda goodman instinct in all of us pounced like a tiger. We started our investigation as if it was yet another scam by the UPA government. Our first task was to find out who was the “prospective groom” since there were two young guys. Since one of them was speaking too much yet the other one was silent, we came to a conclusion that the one who is silent has to be the groom. (Considering he was awestruck thinking about his slaughter)

The guy reminded me of “Silence of Lambs.” I mean literally! He didn’t utter a word. The girl on the other hand was bubbly, cheerful, and answering whatever the “prospective in-laws” were asking. We started gazing them so much so that they noticed us and were embarrassed. Well it will be too modest to say, “gazing” since we were literally laughing, pointing at them. I believe half of the sentences that the boy had rehearsed at home remained as his thoughts. He started stuttering and shaking. I kept on pushing my friends, “Stop it! Gosh, we are not matrimony crashers are we?” But these guys with me aren’t the ones who’d stay silent. Both the families started staring at us as and if killing was legal, they’d have shot us a long time ago. Oh and I forgot to mention, the word “Prospective” was not applicable at the end of it since the girl never liked the boy. (I guess we were to be blamed since the guy choked on his words due to us.) We ran away from there laughing as if someone had served “Laughter Gas” from the menu.

#Scenario 2

Time of the day: Night

Place – Haldirams

Event – My Birthday

We ordered the normal yummylicious “Thali,” one of my favorite at Haldirams. I was busy hogging on the “Oh-so-yummy” food until I noticed what’s going on at the other table.  Since I was not with my friends, I was more civilized, a good Samaritan, unlike the last time. I just couldn’t stop noticing them and kept on smiling. (Mind it, smiling and not laughing) The girl was fiddling her fingers under the table, clearly she was nervous and she’s supposed to be. Both of them were conversing, clearly playing “Bournvita Little Champs,” cross-firing questions. However, I found the guy funny not that he sounded or looked funny but because he had a can of Pepsi with a straw (Can you beat that!) and was making funny slurping sounds. I don’t know what happened next or what was the expected outcome since I had curbed the urge to bring my Linda Goodman instincts into the picture.

Oh and now, these things are a little scary to think about. While of course, I’ll be the gentleman I am when the time comes, I wonder there will be more eyes on me with their Linda Goodman instincts ready to prowl. I find the whole concept a little funny as –

Boy’s Family – What does she do? Does she know how to cook? Will she prefer to work post-marriage? Blah blah blah…!

Girl’s Family – What is your salary? What is your CTC? What is your package breakup? Where do you work? Do you smoke? Do you drink? Do you eat!!!!

Boy to Girl – What are your hobbies? What are your aspirations in life? What do you think about marriage?

Girl to Boy – Usually …. just answering the questions.

Oh and I don’t even want to mention the non-applicable stuff today, “The girl entering the room with a tray of tea.”

The concept of arrange marriage is not funny but the Indian touch that goes into it is. At times, I also find the matrimony sites funny. Here are a few ads (Note – they are not mine. Neither are they my creation. Please excuse me if you forget your grammar.)

hello….

My name Arthi….. i am a good charactarised woman. i want to run my life happily. i expect the good minded and clean habits boy to marry me soon…. who may be in the same caste . If anyone want to Marie to me u
can visit to my home (Ghar Chale aana……..???)

Hello
To Viewers My Name is Shekhar , I am single i don’t have female, I am not a good education but i working all field in bangalroe.. if u like me u welcome to my heart…when ever u want to meet pls visit my resident or send u letter.. Thanks yours Regards Shekhar

I want very simple girl. from brahmin educated family from orissa state she is also know about RAMAYAN, GEETA BHAGABATA, and other homework (Homework?) 

Wants a woman who knows me better and can adjust with me forever. she may never create any difficulties in my life or her life by which the entire life can run smoothly. thank you (The principle of running life smoothly was never so easy!)

She should be good looking and should have a service. she Should have one brother and one sister. she should be educated.(ain’t it unique !! 1 brother 1 sister criteria !)

I am a happy-go-lucky kind of person. Enjoys every moments of life. I love to make friendship. Because friendship is a first step of love. I am looking for my dreamgirl who will love me more than i. Because i
love myself a lot. If u think that is u then why to late come on ……..hold my hand forever !!! (The dilwale dulhaniya effect)

I am simple boy.I have lot of problem in my life because of my luck now i am looking one gal she care me and love me lot lot lot(I don’t know why but this is one of my favorites) 

My wife should be as ‘Shivani’ as in Kahani Ghar Ghar Ki and as Tanwerr as in KSBKBT…… (Ok I haven’t seen these soaps but I am sure he must be demanding too much,ain’t he?)

I want a girl with no drinks if she wants she can wear jeans in house but while stepping out of house she should give respect to our cast (by not wearing her jeans? Wat the hell…)

HYE I AM A GOOD LOKING BOY ,WHO HAS THE CAPABILITY TO MAKE ANY BODY TO LOUGH.I BELIEVE IN GOD
AND CCORDING TO ME FRIENDS ARE THE REAL MESSENGER OF GOD. THE 3 THINGS I AM LOOKING FROM A GIRL ,THEY ARE

1.THEY MUST BELIEVE IN GOD.2. THEY HAVE TO LIKE MY PROFFESION AND THEY SHOULD NOT GET BORED WITH ME WHEN I WILL TRY TO MAKE THEM LOUGH. (all of us are loughing{laughing}) 

2. Whatever she may be but she should feel that she is going to be someone bride and she must think of the future life if she is too like this she would be called the woman of the lamp (I am clueless, I feel so lost. Can anyone tell me what this boy wants) 

I love my patner i marriage the patner ok i search my patner and i love thepatner ok thik hai the patner has a graduate ok (I am again clueless but I liked the use of “ok”. The person is suffering from “Ok-syndrome”)

HI I AM VERY COOL NUATHER OK MY HOBBY IS SEE T.V  AND NEWS OK I HAVE 1 CAR AND 1 BONWL OK MY MOTHER ALSO GOOD OK MY FARUET WORLD IS OK (the “ok syndrome” again) 

I am pran my family history my two brother two sister and Father&mother sister complity marred (somebody please explain in comments section how to get married ‘completely’?)

I am very simpel and hanest. i have three sister one brother and parent. iam doing postal sarvice and tailor master my original resdence at kalahandi diste naw iam staing at rayagada dist. (actually what is this guy doing? Postal service or tailor.??)

My name is muhamad and i am unmarried. pleaes you marrige me pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes (height of desperation! J )

I want one girl who love me or my mother. she love me heartly or she havea frank she’s skin colour ‘normal’not a black or not a whitey. IThink the main think is heart if your heart is beautiful then you are beautiful. but iam not a handsome guy or not a good looking. but my Mom say that Iam a good guy. My father already expired . THE CHOICE IS YOUR. bye

bye. :-) )

Iam kanan. i do owo businas.one sistar.he was marred. (No comments)

I AM LITTLE FAIR INDIAN COLOUR. I DON ’T HAVE ANY HABIT. (maybe the poor guy meant BAD habits)

My colour is black,but my heart is white.i like social service (Zebra..???)

I’m looking out for who lives in bombay , girl simple who trust me lot should be roman catholic, LOVE ME ONLY. (Now that criterion is a must, isn’t it?) 

To be married on jun-2009 working woman perferable (this guy has fixed the marriage date too! But he is yet to find a bride.I wish him best of luck on behalf of all of us. I am sure he will get one soon.)

I would like a beautyfull girl. and i do not want her any treasure. because girl is the maharani. (Now she is going to be a lucky girl! Any takers?)

ssc failed three times and worked with privated ltd company which not paying salary at present. (Any takers again?)

How much I refrain from posting this but I cannot control. Have a look at this video.

On a serious note, I find Punjabi marriages outlandish. But for the close ones, no one is really interested in the bride or the groom. Their target as soon as they enter is the serving table. Most of the guests with “Pot-shaped stomach” attack the table before even thinking why did they came there in the first place. Moreover, the concept of expensive gifts, Sagan (A civilized name of “Dowry”) goes above my head. I strictly abhor such pomp and show and would rather prefer a simple one. A sensible person (like me) would spend the money on an exotic honeymoon. Moreover, a person should be capable of buying things themselves instead of rooting on marriage as a source of new furniture, etc. Gifting might be considered as “Lucky” by some but it really isn’t. Well that’s what I think.

At the end of it – All the best to me!

There are fests, festivals, beliefs, and events that have come to India from the Western World. While some of them have become a part of India, some are not. And there is a reason behind it.

After the huge success of zindagi na milegi dobara (ZNMD), there is one thing we got to know hands on – “Spain is beautiful”. For those who were not aware of La Tomatina earlier (or did not know how to spell it for that matter) are raving its concept. But does that mean we Indians can afford it? The idea in itself is ridiculous.

The so-called replica of La Tomatina fest organized in Delhi to be held today, has been called off thanks to some responsible people who approached the media, police, and other authorities. “Why can’t it happen in India if it is happening in Spain?” “We are bringing Spain to Delhi.” Really? In Spain, low quality and cheap tomatoes are specially grown for the festival. These are provided to the participants by the city council. The festival is celebrated to embrace the overproduction of tomatoes in the country. For us, Indians, none of it holds true. We cannot afford it! It is difficult to grow vegetables in the extreme climate of India; thinking about growing tomatoes for a festival is plain ridiculous.

The organizers of the event, Flashback Entertainment, and some other supporters are giving ridiculous theories. “If we can waste water in Holi why not tomatoes?” “If we cause so much of pollution during Diwali, why not letting people yearn for food?” What! What! What! Any idea has criticism but there is a thin line between argument and reasoning. Just because Diwali and Holi holds a sentimental value to Indians and that wasting water, pollution, etc. is an issue yet we know people are sensitive about it doesn’t mean you can introduce a ridiculous idea in the light of other ills in the economy.  It literally means, “He stabbed her. Now, I will stab him, period.” If you cannot solve a problem, do not create bigger problems.

India, where hundreds of thousands die of starvation, where getting two times meal is a dream come true for many, where even middle-class people like us have to work their butt off, and where the government is so corrupt that we cannot really help; why add fuel to the fire? The problem is with our youngsters who get inspired by fiction and wish to make it real. While there is no harm in being a dreamer but there should be a sense of practicality in it. If one person yearns to jump in a well, thousands will follow. That is because today, brains exist but are kept in a museum, literally.

For those, who argue that starting this festival in India will help farmers; my question to you is how? “If we buy tonnes of tomatoes, throw it on each other, waste it, the price will increase and it will help the farmers.” Really? People with such reasoning have not read economics. Or they have merely cheated in exams and know nothing about it. There is a concept called “Demand and Supply” and “Price Elasticity.” If prices increase -> Demand decreases – > A Loss for Farmers. I mean seriously, do you believe India has zero inflation that you could think of such a ridiculous idea?

Everyone likes to a party and it is no crime. But partying irresponsibly especially when you harm not hundreds, not thousands, but millions is certainly a crime. You may not realize it but some people do and they will raise their voice. Think about your mom shopping for veggies, putting her love while she cooks that delicious dish you really want to eat today. You get your food on the table without fail. But ask her how much did she spend in buying those veggies? Ask your parents how much they spend in getting you nourished, educated, and learned. If they get to know that their kids would someday think that wasting what they eat is an amazing idea, they would bang their head on the wall for having raised such ogres with no brains. Then we blame the government for inflation not noticing that we have such “brainiac” for youngsters among us.

Today it is La Tomatina, tomorrow it will be something else. If you cannot help solve a problem, do not create one. If there is something wrong in India does not mean you have a right to justify a stupid thing. I am glad this event is being called off. Apparently, the organizers tried it twice but thanks to some responsible people such as Kaushik Bose, Vijender Sharma, and many more that such a sham will not be a part of India. It’s been a long time since I have blogged but this was so going to my blog!!

Kudos to sensibility as it is not extinct!

Even in the deepest slumber, I used to wake up with a mere scent of wet mud. Whenever that nostalgic scent entered my nostrils, adrenaline rushed through my body and sleep played a secondary role. That first trickle rolling down my cheek was always mesmerizing. So was going out and getting drenched in the beautiful rain not because, “I love rains because no one can see my crying (That’s lame!!!) but I love loved it unconditionally.”

However, it I do not regret when I say that my 23-years of relationship with Rains has come to a conclusion now. I finally broke up!! This year, the same nostalgic feeling rushed in early; however, it died as soon as I realized it existed…Did it rain acid or frogs? What was the reason? Why did this happen? I would strangle anyone who would ask such nonsensical questions.

Today, two things are totally unexpected. No, I am not talking about “Nature’s call.” The unexpected nature lies in the felony of god pissing from the sky and news reports pissing on us with news on CWG. It is so unexpected that both of these can catch irrespective of the fact that you’ll never let your guard down.

India will have to name new rivers now as the deepest yet the longest river is not Brahmaputra. For everyone else, the longest isn’t the Nile. Correct me if i am wrong, the longest and the deepest river is known as “FFNDSD” or Floods from North Delhi to South Delhi. If I (unknowingly) switch to IBN, they have nothing better than talk about the danger level of Yamuna. If it reaches blah cms, this area would be submerged; if it increases by 1 cm more, it will submerge another; if it increases by another cm, it will submerge you with water rising up your asses and reaching your throat until you choke and die!! Ah…this so defies the law of gravity.

I am certain that the condition of the Tsunami affected areas are much better than what is happening here. The funny part is that soon athletes and people from abroad would be welcomed by swarm of mosquitoes biting them until their very genes degenerate and carry the DENGUE gene, which will pass on for generations!! If Hiroshima and Nagasaki was horrendous, you haven’t seen the real horror until you land up in Delhi!

Now for the worst part…what was expected to be a final goodbye to rain-sweet-rain by the end of August doesn’t seem to hold true. The stubborn clouds are so adamant that they will not leave your head and continue to harass you by increasing the intensity of piss with every passing second. This is garnished by the beautiful roads filled with welcoming potholes…Some of these have increased to an extent where you’ll disappear in one and reappear from another (Most probably, if you disappear in a pothole located in South Delhi, you are likely to appear in the North!! There is absolutely no need for metro’s, buses, or any transit system)

I think I will be doing justice by ending my relationship with the Rains. No, its not a divorce because we are not married! I never intended to marry them primarily because the situation would be really unbearable. In the context of a marriage, think about having an year without sex (no rains) and another year with sex 24×7 (Heavy rains…Mesmerizing in the beginning but tiring as the time passes)

Believe me, people might choke on their own words…So here is an image representing every Delhiite’s plead to stop this insanity!!

With that said, RAINS here is my verdict to you…I still have a soft corner for you considering the fact that I never get a nice 7 hours sleep during the weekdays. Thanks to you, I can sleep for 2 hours minimum while I am stuck in traffic. That’s the only thing that I am thankful about yet I might throw up if I have to say “Thank You” for that!! You might still have a chance to make it up to me if you stop excessive pissing and resort to a natural human cycle!!

Farmville, thou shalt die!

Posted: April 8, 2010 in Uncategorized

Farmville is stupid

Disclaimer – This is a long post so bear with me. Any resemblance to real persons/animals, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Once upon a time, a happy social networking user transitioned from Orkut to Facebook. The user believed there is a reason behind everything. Well, the rule is applicable for most of the things. The reasons behind the transition attributed to Dynamism, User-friendliness, and cool applications of Facebook. However, little did he know that his welcome on Facebook would be short-lived?

Thank goodness, Shakespeare died far before seeing such a phase of human kind. If he were alive, he would have been writing plays and satire on the insanity of Facebook. For what was once, a social networking website turned into a nightmare.

Farmville was an omen for Facebook! First, it was Yoville. The user was excited to see what is this shit about!! He used the application, got bored and started being bombarded with messages like, “xxx kissed you, you forgot to turn off your lights, and what not!”

Then it was Farmville! It is the ultimate eclipse even bigger than “Twilight – Eclipse”. Oh, I remember the advertisement that promotes ibibo. A girl is sitting with her friends and talking about how she wooed a guy with her melons! No, they are talking about their farm, but how the heck will you know that. Well, my first impression of melons was something else…Outlandish.

Coming back to our love-Facebook, Farmville is a joke. People have started adding friends (well, there is no other option such as add a “Stranger” in Facebook) they have not heard of. This is done in order to achieve status quo in their Farm. The motive of social networking is no longer connecting with friends, colleagues but adding people who can become neighbors at someone’s farm.

I know of people who go to cyber cafes on Saturday to water their farm. Yes, it is you! In addition, if you are reading it, I care a damn! You deserve a medal of dishonor. There are others, who would access your Facebook account and create a farm on your behalf. The list of such morons is not exhaustive. I have even heard about people who hurry from their office (they do not have FB access) to home just to water their field! How stupid is that.

On doing some research why Farmville is popular, I read some funny reactions –

1. Could I grow weed in farmville then sell it on MafiaWars?

2. My girlfriend and I were in bed the other night, and just as she was about to scream, I quickly remembered something, jumped up and shouted “Shit! if I don’t hurry my strawberries are going to die on farmville!”

3. Facebook is to offer memorials for dead users as opposed to those who do not have a life

4. Jade Goody can be found on farmville where you can collect truffles from her.

5. Congratulations, you have reached the level of ‘Social Retard’ in farmville.

I have people in the office discussing Farmville. Instead of asking, “How much before you complete your target”, I hear “How much before you grow your next strawberry”. “Could you please send me a cow?” “I found a lonely sheep on my farm” “My pony got lost” “I am a sick retard, could you send me to the asylum?”

Even “spam” would bow down to Farmville requests! My request screen gets flooded with such requests every now and then. I mean what is the point of this insanity. What can you gain by building your farm, raising animals, growing crops virtually?

In the next few years, the concept of marriage would completely change. When a prospective groom searches the matrimonial portals, they will come across clauses, “Require a groom with a large farm, 100 farmville neighbors, 10 sheep, 20 cows, 100 bullshit!” During the marriage ceremony, they would use strawberries instead of garland and trade sheep and cows for dowry!

Are we finally stepping back to the barter system? Has Farmville taken a toll on our sanity? Will Farmville lovers loathe this post (Of course they will)? Jesus says, “Don’t hate the sinner but hate the sin”. Today, we can apply it by saying, “Don’t hate the facebook user but their farms.”

For once, people can start getting life and dedicate their time to more fruitful things other than growing fruits in their farm. Something strikes my mind –

1. Why doesn’t the chicken have bird flu?

2. Is farmville a coup to increase divorce rates? People are not giving time to their soul mates and waking up at night to play Farmville when they can make a baby or two!

3. Is 2012 end of the world? Maybe. If every person on the planet becomes a farmville user, the human race will become senseless baboons growing crops and taking it up theirs! Mayans failed to predict this possibility.

4. Will schools adopt a curriculum with no subjects but a tutorial on how to play farmville, tips and tricks, etc?

5. If people are fan of farmville, when will they become a fan of having a life?

6. When will people stop growing some carrots in farmville to use in Cafe World to feed the dons in Mafia Wars who are totally Bejeweled after Drinking Wars and are now Farkled!!! oh the wonderful life of face book

7. One positive note…You tend to learn the names of vegetables you might have never heard in your life! Now you know what not to eat.

8. Will Obama soon start giving relief and bailouts for more farmville cash?

9. Will Farmville die? I really want to kill it.

10. When will people realize that the other person on their facebook is not interested in their silly farmville requests for starters? They know it, yet still bombard them with spam requests. Where are the Internet authorities? It is cyber crime, mental harassment and molestation of cows on the farm!

I have one question for all Farmville lovers. How will you like 1 year in a rural area with your own farm but no amenities, no electricity, no gadgets, no mobile signal, no television, no sitcoms, no happening events, any night-outs, nothing at all required for “urban-humanish creatures to survive?

ps – A few jokes courtesy – http://www.sickipedia.org