FIFA World Cup 2010Fasten your seat belts as the flight to the ultimate entertainment bliss is just about to depart.  Yes, I am talking about FIFA! The long wait is over. I cannot believe that it’s been 4 years since I saw Zidane’s headbutt on Marco Materazzi. Well, I hope this year there is no such incidences. I was long bored with the so called “IPL T-20” season. I am no cricket buff and I really hate it when people switch channels to watch India lose. Imagine that you are watching your favorite sitcom and someone snatches the remote to look at the scores! They know deep inside that India will lose but no, they will never give up.

I am big FIFA buff though. I must admit that it’s been long since I started watching the matches and I am a true soccer lover. I wouldn’t talk about FIFA much because everyone knows about it. For those who don’t, get your facts right.

I was just having a thought – “What if India would’ve qualified for FIFA 2010?” Here is an insider –

1. India might set new records. It lost to japan last year by 7-0

2. The Indian aggression might force the whole team to sit in the locker room. Most of the players will definitely get a red card.

3. If Zidane was a surprise for people, Indian players might surprise you further with their slaps, cusses, and silly abuses.

4. Maybe, for the first time in history a team might lose at 90-0. 90 is the total duration of a game. I am counting minutes here, maybe they may lost at 5400-0 with a goal each second (Anything can happen when Indian team is around)

5. The players will have a big argument over the game. They will have a fight over the name of the game. How come they qualified for “FUTBAL” (Indian term for football) and are playing in SOCCER?

6. Is there a domestic league in India? Nah, I am not talking about IPL!! Is there a IFL? or a FL or a L?

7. They might argue that it’s the WORLD CUP and there is no CUP shaped trophy!

8. They are against the concept of Golden Boot! By all means, they are still expecting a KOHINOOR boot exported from England.

9. They will complain about having personalized cheerleaders

10. They might spend the whole first half as a strategic timeout

Now beat this fact! In 1950 FIFA invited India to be play in the World Cup played in Brazil. The world football governing body was willing to pay for the flights and it would have been Delhi via Amsterdam to Rio de Janeiro tickets with KLM. But the then AIFF administration decided against sending a team as FIFA made it mandatory in 1950 to wear football boots. Indians in those days used to play barefoot and such a change would have hampered the teams performance.

Now beat this! India qualified in 1950 because the 3 other teams in our qualifying pool of 4 withdrew. Do you know that Durand Cup is the third oldest football tournament in the world after the FA cup(England) and the Scottish cup?

Now see one of the causes that says India should win 2022 World cup. Forget winning, let them qualify first. I am not trying to demean my country here! I am just stating facts 🙂

B/w check out the 100 facts about FIFA, written by a friend of mine. They are really nicely crafted.

And yes, I love the FIFA 2010 Theme –

And Shakira’s Waka Waka rocks!!

Advertisements

Dastan, Prince of PersiaAfter reading the reviews of Prince (desi) followed by watching some great flicks such as Housefull I noticed a drastic change in my sanity. For once, I was in a dire need of watching something that will bring me back from the state of intelligence to sanity.

I have had bad experiences watching 3d movies with the last one being Clash of the titans. No, I didn’t watch Avatar in 3d!! Clash of Titans was more like a struggle to wake up. Well, the director really released the Crapen in the movie!! Anyway, my hunt for a good movie ended with Prince of persia – sands of time. There were two reasons why I went to watch it. 1. I was waiting for this baby, as I am a big fan of the game series. 2. I wanted to see how much is this movie screwed for yet another 3d movie. You will have to agree that game based movie scripts are disappointing. That is not a stereotype but my experience.

Prince of Persia

Contrary to my expectations, the movie did not disappoint me at all. Having finally seen this movie, I felt as if there is the “hope” for good fun and entertainment has not died. Well, I can say this if I go by the standards of Hollywood movies. I do not want to comment about senseless Bollywood flicks.

There are many reasons to why this movie works. One of the major reasons is the involvement of Jordan Mechner, the legendary creator of the Prince of Persia game series.  He pushed the movie to a new level! It was truly visible how Mechner instilled his passion for the series into bringing it live on the big screen. Most of the times, the adoption of game based cinema is all about actions and the story takes the back seat. That is not the case with Prince of Persia, period. Let’s face it. How many “EPIC” movies have evolved from a game? Street Fighter, Mario, Dead or Alive, etc. were nothing but a big disappointment. Tomb Raider was a good eye-candy with nice action but parched the audience for a great story. Most of these were mediocre to downright abysmal. Most of these used “Profanity” as a source of entertainment but failed miserably. The reason is obvious; people do not pay bucks to watch a porno in a theatre. They expect a good story!

Prince of Persia flawlessly jumped from the big hurdle of disappointment. The involvement of Disney has worked in the past with such great flicks. Remember Pirates of the Caribbean? Most of the things that Disney touches turn to gold. Prince of Persia is one of their alchemical experiments. The movie borrowed major elements from the game but did not adhere to the exact storyline. The way it was directed does not require any support from a game. Really, you do not have to play the game in order to relate with the story. It has a story, a charm, a charisma, and an uncanny magnetism of its own.

Ben Kingsley as Nizam

Throughout the movie, I was not relating anything with the game. Moreover, you will get hooked with every scene from the movie until the end. Jake Gyllenhall did justice with the character of “Dastan”, the protagonist. He was cocky yet impressive. Gemma Arterton as “Tamina” was frivolous in the beginning. Ah, and Ben Kingsley was a real treat with his character of “Nizam”. He did justice as an antagonist with a shady, suspicious, and a powerful character. Well, he surely was a treat after his disappointing work in “Teen Patti” (ya right!)

Great concept, great movie, and a must watch for action and series lovers. If you are in for a change and want to watch a flick that is great with the action, cinema, and the story, Prince of Persia will be the real treat for you! However, it can be a disappointment for 3D lovers who want to experience breathtaking scenes. Yes, it was a bit expected but there were other aspects that diverted my mind away from thinking about criticism.

Now that I think about it, why is it that Bollywood moviemakers never adopt something on a similar note that works? When will they come out of the trance of copying, stealing, and sucking at movie making? You can make Prince but you cannot add Persia to it, because you have replaced your creativity with bikinis, smooches, insane action, no storyline, po-faced, semi-nude item songs, and what not. Get some lessons please. It’s high time when you make some sensible movies instead of a girl and a guy running on the field in slow motion, with the girl’s boobs bouncing in slow motion, them playing hide and seek behind a tree, dancing in the rain with no clouds in the sky, and later the guy getting shot while still having the guts to squeeze in a song and sing through the 3 hour movie. (Ya, that’s not me. It’s just Russell peters) Get some lessons on movie making and go to a “Paathshala” .

I am no cricket buff. And, I am definitely not an IPL fan. However, i do watch cricket when there is nothing better to watch, or to go with the flow. I mean, I don’t want to stand in a corner like a fool and give a blank stare when someone asks me, “Dude, what’s the score?”.

I still remember the opening of the IPL where Lalit promised, “This year, the IPL will be even bigger than the last two.” Not sure if this year’s IPL was bigger for the public but it was huge for Modi. Everything Modi touches turns into gold but not for too long!

Modi started a 10-year joint venture with Walt Disney Pictures in 1993, called Modi Entertainment Networks (MEN), to broadcast some of Disney’s content in India including Fashion TV. First off, the the name “MEN” is quite stupid. Secondly, his beloved FTV has faced severe controversies and banned from Indian Television network (Whatever was the reason!)

In 1994, he became the pan-India distributor of ESPN on a 5-year contract. His job was to collect money from the cable wallas in India in exchange for them broadcasting ESPN. However, ESPN was having “money issues” and took Modi to court. The fact is true that whatever Modi touches turns to shit! And he gets in trouble for it.

Earlier, Modi was arrested on charges of conspiracy to traffic cocaine and assault with a deadly weapon with intent to kill. He and another student were indicted on second-degree kidnapping, a misdemeanor charge of assault inflicting serious injury and conspiracy to kidnap.

An article in Tehelka magazine alleges that Modi was involved in a court case for cocaine abuse as recently as 2006 in the UAE.

On Sunday, after Chennai blew Mumbai in the finals, Modi said that the IPL season has been “Clean and Transparent”. Well it was if what he wants to convey is that the players took care of their hygiene and I can some how relate transparency with the cheerleaders. The matches were in no way clean and transparent in a literal sense! Shame on you Modi for being a despicable liar.

He also said that “It has not been an easy journey”. Of course it has not been easy for him. And it was never easy on him!! It took me by surprise that Modi was the one to award Dhoni with “Fly Kingfisher – Fair Play award”. The word “Fair” does not fall in Modi’s dictionary.

If things might sound to be too fascinating the reality might be otherwise. Same is the case with Twitter. I am not sure what happen to Modi’s sanity when he tweeted the names of the stakeholder! Is he not aware of the fact that the media is on prowl making issues of simple tweets. Although, his tweet was not simple yet a trade secret.

He will be defending his innocence (if any) now. It will be fun to see the creator of IPL buying tickets to watch matches from now on:P For once, I thought that Rakhi Sawant was the Queen of Controversies. Modi has surpassed all the benchmarks to become the undisputed “King of Controversies”.

I am still thinking of the statement he will give for his defense, “This is not really my exit. It’s just a strategic time-out to confuse Shashi Tharoor.”

Lucky for him that he got to enjoy the IPL nights!!

ps – I am glad that chennai won 😉

pss – News and information courtesy wikipedia

Dearest India TV,

There was a time when news channels told us what was happening around. Note that I said there was a time.

I hope this note finds you in the worst of health and spirits! As usual, your crew would be high on alcoholic spirits while broadcasting the news. Ah, actions speak louder than work! But your news speaks without action.

Since the Inception of India TV on May 20, 2004, I have been under tremendous torture with your moronic, boneheaded, and duncical news. Words fail me when I have to describe whatever shit you show on Television. And to you, Mr. Rajat Sharma you should go ahead and drown yourself in Arabian sea. No, you are not worthy of Indian ocean.

What inspired you Mr. Sharma to air such an insanity? It isn’t even insanity but heights of lunacy.

What the fuck do you want to convey with the above news? What human bomb are you talking about when there is a bomb ticking in your asses that provokes you imbeciles to air such bullshit news.

Duh! Someone should surely tie a real bomb across your chest. There should be another in your office! Let the bomb do the talking. I would personally like someone to fit a bomb in the mouths of the reporters on India TV!


Don’t know about the Indian cricket team but at least India TV would never let the people sleep with their baseless, stupid news.

Wow…When you should be covering recession, economic crisis all you do is air fuckall news of a brawl b/w cat and dog! Why do you care if she cannot speak hindi? Who at India TV can speak “Pure” hindi…Bloody, I cannot. Seriously, these reporters are bunch of retards who ran from an asylum and started their own news channel.

Who in the blue hell would watch television after watching the above image? Are you trying to promote some sort of voodoo stuff now? Or are you trying to practice black magic so you can get a better TRP for fuck sake! I mean you guys suck, literally.

How can you do black magic on a camera? I am confident that someone did black magic to your channel. Is that why you show news not even worth crow’s shit? You deserve a real pat on your back. Mother nature will gift you for your contribution if you open your mouth and let the birds shit in your mouth for brainwashing people.

Now India TV really went gay with the above news. First off, you are showing a man naked! The only thing he is covered with are draperies, which I am sure you took off to make another news out of his ass or wiener. Why do you care if a person weights fucking 350 kgs or 50 kgs? Are you jealous of his health? Maybe you should make news out of his weight – “The reason for earth’s mass” or probably “Look at the biggest ass in the world”…You call that news? I call it crap.

Has India TV started a matrimony service? A bride for you eh? Pity the people, as they would have died as bachelors if you‘d not have enlightened them with this news.

Would you condemn those who are not living on rent? Will their eyes pop out of their eye-socket? Will their brain melt? Will you set their ass on fire? Everyone else please close your eyes!

The worse part is that this isn’t you who is broadcasting such news. Your felony has inspired other channels to such a huge extent that they are following you in the league of Fucktardness.


Damn it! It’s just common cold. Amitabh has not been hospitalized…If you have the audacity to air such news, then you can even talk about amitabh’s dog catching cold or maybe Amitabh having constipation, his potty color etc etc.


He ate vegetable! Thank goodness, he is not a cannibal. Why do you care?

What next? Commissioner’s  dog bit him and the commissioner died?

Sharam kar Sharma…Do you know that a majority cases of Migrane, Heart attack, and paralysis is caused after watching India TV? Do you know that 60% of your audience commit suicide? Do you know that you are a gay?? Don’t ask me for the source of these statements. It’s as baseless as your news, there is no proof, and it is not true (Maybe)!

I find it really amusing that people actually watch the channel. They still have this “HOPE” that whatever shown in India TV is right. Please don’t kill this hope. Shut down the channel if you have any humanity left!

And here is my breaking news for you –

ps – A lot of images courtesy stupidindiatv.blogspot.com

Farmville, thou shalt die!

Posted: April 8, 2010 in Uncategorized

Farmville is stupid

Disclaimer – This is a long post so bear with me. Any resemblance to real persons/animals, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Once upon a time, a happy social networking user transitioned from Orkut to Facebook. The user believed there is a reason behind everything. Well, the rule is applicable for most of the things. The reasons behind the transition attributed to Dynamism, User-friendliness, and cool applications of Facebook. However, little did he know that his welcome on Facebook would be short-lived?

Thank goodness, Shakespeare died far before seeing such a phase of human kind. If he were alive, he would have been writing plays and satire on the insanity of Facebook. For what was once, a social networking website turned into a nightmare.

Farmville was an omen for Facebook! First, it was Yoville. The user was excited to see what is this shit about!! He used the application, got bored and started being bombarded with messages like, “xxx kissed you, you forgot to turn off your lights, and what not!”

Then it was Farmville! It is the ultimate eclipse even bigger than “Twilight – Eclipse”. Oh, I remember the advertisement that promotes ibibo. A girl is sitting with her friends and talking about how she wooed a guy with her melons! No, they are talking about their farm, but how the heck will you know that. Well, my first impression of melons was something else…Outlandish.

Coming back to our love-Facebook, Farmville is a joke. People have started adding friends (well, there is no other option such as add a “Stranger” in Facebook) they have not heard of. This is done in order to achieve status quo in their Farm. The motive of social networking is no longer connecting with friends, colleagues but adding people who can become neighbors at someone’s farm.

I know of people who go to cyber cafes on Saturday to water their farm. Yes, it is you! In addition, if you are reading it, I care a damn! You deserve a medal of dishonor. There are others, who would access your Facebook account and create a farm on your behalf. The list of such morons is not exhaustive. I have even heard about people who hurry from their office (they do not have FB access) to home just to water their field! How stupid is that.

On doing some research why Farmville is popular, I read some funny reactions –

1. Could I grow weed in farmville then sell it on MafiaWars?

2. My girlfriend and I were in bed the other night, and just as she was about to scream, I quickly remembered something, jumped up and shouted “Shit! if I don’t hurry my strawberries are going to die on farmville!”

3. Facebook is to offer memorials for dead users as opposed to those who do not have a life

4. Jade Goody can be found on farmville where you can collect truffles from her.

5. Congratulations, you have reached the level of ‘Social Retard’ in farmville.

I have people in the office discussing Farmville. Instead of asking, “How much before you complete your target”, I hear “How much before you grow your next strawberry”. “Could you please send me a cow?” “I found a lonely sheep on my farm” “My pony got lost” “I am a sick retard, could you send me to the asylum?”

Even “spam” would bow down to Farmville requests! My request screen gets flooded with such requests every now and then. I mean what is the point of this insanity. What can you gain by building your farm, raising animals, growing crops virtually?

In the next few years, the concept of marriage would completely change. When a prospective groom searches the matrimonial portals, they will come across clauses, “Require a groom with a large farm, 100 farmville neighbors, 10 sheep, 20 cows, 100 bullshit!” During the marriage ceremony, they would use strawberries instead of garland and trade sheep and cows for dowry!

Are we finally stepping back to the barter system? Has Farmville taken a toll on our sanity? Will Farmville lovers loathe this post (Of course they will)? Jesus says, “Don’t hate the sinner but hate the sin”. Today, we can apply it by saying, “Don’t hate the facebook user but their farms.”

For once, people can start getting life and dedicate their time to more fruitful things other than growing fruits in their farm. Something strikes my mind –

1. Why doesn’t the chicken have bird flu?

2. Is farmville a coup to increase divorce rates? People are not giving time to their soul mates and waking up at night to play Farmville when they can make a baby or two!

3. Is 2012 end of the world? Maybe. If every person on the planet becomes a farmville user, the human race will become senseless baboons growing crops and taking it up theirs! Mayans failed to predict this possibility.

4. Will schools adopt a curriculum with no subjects but a tutorial on how to play farmville, tips and tricks, etc?

5. If people are fan of farmville, when will they become a fan of having a life?

6. When will people stop growing some carrots in farmville to use in Cafe World to feed the dons in Mafia Wars who are totally Bejeweled after Drinking Wars and are now Farkled!!! oh the wonderful life of face book

7. One positive note…You tend to learn the names of vegetables you might have never heard in your life! Now you know what not to eat.

8. Will Obama soon start giving relief and bailouts for more farmville cash?

9. Will Farmville die? I really want to kill it.

10. When will people realize that the other person on their facebook is not interested in their silly farmville requests for starters? They know it, yet still bombard them with spam requests. Where are the Internet authorities? It is cyber crime, mental harassment and molestation of cows on the farm!

I have one question for all Farmville lovers. How will you like 1 year in a rural area with your own farm but no amenities, no electricity, no gadgets, no mobile signal, no television, no sitcoms, no happening events, any night-outs, nothing at all required for “urban-humanish creatures to survive?

ps – A few jokes courtesy – http://www.sickipedia.org

At times, I think what this world has come to. It does not require rocket science to answer how evolution took place. Are we in the phase of reverse-evolution? Is our intelligence going from human to monkey? Well, it reminds me of Monkey business here.  I happened to watch Love, Sex aur Dhoka recently. Believe me, I am in shock. How can someone make a movie with anything in it? By anything, I mean a story line that is senseless, full of vulgarity and voyeurism. I agree it was different than most of the concepts. However, looking at the scenario, even I can make a movie with a video camera.

I know it has been a long time, since I wrote anything. Therefore, I am writing some of my funny ideas.

Some funny Hollywood+Bollywood titles can be –

1. Bridget Jones’s Diarrhea – Hajmola khao

2. Fart Wars – Andhkar aur Ujale ke beech yudh

3. Oh Brothel, Where Art Thou? (no comments)

4. The God Farter – Sarkar ne mara paad

5. The Hangover part 2 – The hangover is still not over – Sanam bewada

6. The mummy returns to kiss the papa

7. Scarfart – Pichwade pe daag

8. All Lice in Wonderland

9. The Good, The Bad, The Ugly and The Disgusting

10. The catrunner

11. Indiana Jones – no country for old men

12. Bravefart

13. I still know what you did last summer, I was pregnant, will have kids the next summer

14. Turbanator – return of the governor

15. Shaving Ryans Privates

I know it isn’t funny…It is difficult to find a pun in Hollywood let alone copying the script.

*Parental Guidance required for this part of post.*

I am not sure if you are aware of the C-grade movies in India. To elaborate, it is like “Porn but on a lighter note”. Frankly speaking, I am not into these (aye, it has no standards) and hats off to those who dare to watch these in theaters. Even the developed countries do not have the guts to display Porn movies in Theaters! Here are some funny names that I found –

1. Khooni Raat

2. Naagin Ka badla

3. Saajan ki baahon mei

4. Kacchi Jawani

5. Hawas ka Pujari

6. Ek haseen korean aatma

7. bhoot ke piche bhoot (Even ghosts can’t rest in peace)

8. kaatil chuha

9. Ek choti si horror story

10. kabristaan ki love story

B/w how can we forget the hindi dub of Hollywood movies?

1. Aasman fatt gaya, bhagwan latak gaya

2. Makkad Manav (Spiderman) <bhojpuri>

3. Doobi Kashti (Titanic)

4. Ganji Chudail Ke Lambe Lambe Baal

5. Bhootni Ke (Ghost)

6. Hari da puttar (harry potter)

7. Alisha gayi mayanagri (Alice in Wonderland)

8. Caribbean ke gunhegaar (Pirates of the Caribbean)

9. Bichu ka badshah (Scorpion King)

10. Ghar akela

11. Geedar

12. Makkhi Film (Bee movie)

13. Garam Kukkar (hot chick)

14. Pehle kabhi aadmi hua karta tha (She’s the man)

15. zinda hoon main (I am legend)

Here are a few more sequels to Bollywood movies (courtesy – Internet)

1) Paagal banaya aapne
2) Kuch nahi hota hai
3) Hum aapke jhopde mein rehte hain
4) Hum Kidney de chuke sanam
5) Jab hum bichhde
6) Ram Gopal Varma ki Bhaag
7) Hum aapke hain dhobi
8) Cholay
9) Heyy Budhaa
10) Kabhi Tata salt mat khaana
11) Kabhie wife kabhie girlfriend.
12) Bandwale band baja jayenge.

Jokes apart (really?), what is Bollywood coming to? Is it the end of the world for Indian cinema? Can it survive? To know more log-on to http://www.bollywoodkakuchnahihosakta.com

ps – No offense to anyone whose favorite movie is listed above.

While I was sipping my coffee yesterday, I read about Chile quake and was quite shocked by the likes of it. 8.8 on Richter’s is a big disaster. With 200+ deaths, the quake has been worse than Haiti. The worse part was the Tsunami alerts throughout various regions. Well it isn’t that I live in Chile or the regions on evacuation alert but yes, i feel for them. More so, I logged on to my Twitter account to see updates about the condition. Yes, there were several thousand tweets and even the Twitter API failed handling so many.

I got to see live coverages about Tsunami in Hawaii and watched the water receding as well. More so, I am glad that the condition is fine everywhere. The sad part about the whole situation is that people are finding fun in it.

Here are a few tweets by people –

Love tsunami-watching reporters. Tell us even more stories about hundreds killed in tsunamis past & other horrors while waiting. #tsunmai

Sounds like this #tsunami is a dud

What a #fail. I did not watch people die in #tsunami

I mean WTF! Instead of thanking that their sorry asses has been saved, these people are actually finding time to tweet nonsense. I did answer a few of them but i cannot go on tweeting every microsecond.

Even worse, the media in most of these places were disappointed. Reporters seem so bummed by the calm, orderly system when they should be commending it!

I seriously despise people who for once cannot thank for saving their asses, let alone sympathizing and feeling for losses.

If this is what you call “Freedom of Speech”, then its better to enslave these people who make fun of such a right.

Anyway, what is there is there. Things can be changed but these people will remain adamant. If only, people start getting arrested for such tweets!!

Ps – Happy holi to all you ppl! Enjoi and play safe!